I am a mid-30's male, a Christian returning to the faith.
And I'm an ex-transvestite.
I've struggled with this lifestyle since I first began at age 12. I stumbled upon a pair of my mother's bikini panties on her bedroom floor. I was overcome with fantasies of "girling myself up"--just for a few harmless minutes, I thought. Those minutes would be anything other than "few" or "harmless," as they stretched out into 23 more years.
As a young teen, I dressed in a simple pair of women's panties, usually swiped from my sister's underwear drawer. I would pretend to be one of the cute girls in my class, acting her out in my own private fantasy. After building up an urge, I would release, then get dressed and put away the panties until I needed them again to release another urge. Shame? Oh yes, quite a bit of it, even though nobody in my family knew about it. (Or when they eventually stumbled upon a hidden pair of panties, they'd never speak of it to me.) That guilt would lead me to purge and purge, only to reacquire and reacquire new pairs of underwear.
In my late teens and into my twenties, I further enhanced my feminine look, using wigs, makeup, and nail polish. When I opened the box which contained my first wig, I was terrified, as if I couldn't believe I was going down this road. I began living alone, which made it easier to acquire outfits without arousing detection from my family. I began to hate myself intensely, using my cross-dressing as a stress-reliever and an outlet to escape my hated "male side." I even adopted a name for my feminine alter-ego...Trish Novia. And since I lacked a woman in my life, I figured "Trish" would be enough of a woman for me.
I dressed as a female only to mimic or re-enact an enticing video or picture of the particular female subject, especially if she's being objectified sexually. At first, bikini contestants and exotic dancers were two of my favorite subjects to act out, since they use their femininity to seduce adoring men. I did get a considerable amount of negative feedback about being too "masculine" to be a transvestite, but I held on to the positive comments instead, further justifying this lifestyle. Plus, I was so in love with the juxtaposition of "Trish" with the female subject that I mimicked. Cross-dressing felt like the one thing in my sorry life that I was doing right.
Although I never felt "gay", I did enjoy posting my pics and videos to specific social sites, eagerly hoping to receive compliments from so-called "straight" men. If I was able to attract their attention and desire, it gave my feminine image a feeling of authenticity. Later, I began to fantasize about recording "Trish" as she was being objectified by a real man, and I wanted to be filmed as a cross-dresser in public. So I thought about meeting up with these men in various semi-public or limited places where they could photograph or film me,
but without anything sexual (nothing beyond laying in the sun in a bikini, walking down a street, etc.)
. But men are men, and they're not going to put up with a tease like that AND not expect anything in return. When dealing with men who wanted a serious meeting (which always involved sex!), I would play hard-to-get, then finally ignore them. There were just too many creepy guys for me to take a chance on, and they were way out of my age range.
A few months ago, I saw a photo of a t-girl who had died in a motorcycle accident
only a few days after that particular photo had been taken. I began to think about myself, how I had always hoped that I would eventually get bored with this lifestyle and live a Christian life. But I realized how quickly life can end for all of us, no warning whatsoever. I certainly believe in an afterlife, and if I were to die while still being a cross-dresser, I'd have to stand before an irate God as the MALE that He created me to be. At that moment, **nothing** is going to matter other than whether we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior--and that we've kept His commandments. I knew I was in eternal peril, since my cross-dressing persona (Trish) was the idol I served, and the images that I created were being seen by other men, leading them into temptation and possibly destroying their lives.
I was heavily stressed for the next few days. I sought forgiveness through prayer, and slowly, a sense of calm and assurance flowed over me. If I didn't know what repentance was before that day, I knew what it was since then.
Our stay on earth is brief, but we all have a purpose. We were put here to serve God, and let's be honest, it's not through dressing up as the opposite sex.
I really would be interested in communicating with anyone who is an ex-dresser or currently struggling with cross-dressing/transvestism. I KNOW I'm not the only one out there. It helps to have someone with whom to talk. It is a tough battle, but it can be controlled and eliminated.
You can do anything through Christ, who strengthens you.
